Toni writes: A conversation with the Emergency Vet.

8am Saturday morning:

Emergency Vet: “Hello?”
Me: “Hi. I don’t know if this is a problem, but I thought I’d call just in case…”
E.V: “That’s fine, what’s the problem?”
Me: “It’s my cat, Darcy. She’s just eaten a load of tissue. Is that going to make her sick?”
E.V: “How much did she eat?”
Me: “A fair bit… I was cleaning up cheese sauce with the tissue and she just ate the bits I’d already used.”
E.V: *beginning to snigger now* “Is she showing any signs of distress?”
Me: “No, she’s fine, but I thought I’d check…”
E.V: “She’ll be fine, don’t worry. It’ll break down into mush. But if she does start being sick or having problems going to the toilet, call us back.”
Me: “Okay, thanks for your time.”
E.V: “No problem, you’ve made my morning!”

Later on that same day…

We’d had some packages delivered from Amazon and they’d come wrapped in an elastic band. Which Darcy then ate. So I called again, and to my horror, it was the same woman:

Me: “My cat has just eaten an elastic band. She swallowed it before I could stop her.”
E.V: “Is this the same cat that I was called about this morning?”
Me: *deeply ashamed* “Yes, she just grabs it and swallows it before you can get to her…”
E.V: *laughing*  “It’s fine! She sounds like a real character. And no, the elastic band won’t hurt her.”
Me: “You know, her brother regularly eats cardboard.”
E.V: *really laughing now* “Cats have much stronger digestive systems than us, they can eat stuff like that. I wouldn’t recommend it, though…”
Me: “Oh believe me, I try and stop them. Calling you twice is the most embarrassing thing to happen to me for weeks.”
E.V: “Don’t be embarrassed, you’ve given me an anecdote I can dine out on for weeks!”

What is wrong with the twins? What happened to them in the womb?

(This is all absolutely true, by the way!)

Toni writes: Almost as daft as her brother.

A couple of weeks ago, Darcy licked a lightbulb. While it was plugged in. And turned on. She burnt her tongue quite badly and we’ve spent the last fortnight trying to save her from herself as she tries to lick the lightbulb again.

My back has just been turned for one freakin’ second and she’s gone and licked the lightbulb again.

Which all begs the question… WHY?

Donncha writes: I ate her newspaper!

I did! I totally shredded it! Before she’d even read it!

I laid down on it, nice and comfy, when I figured I might as well tear it to pieces. What else are these things for? Paul-Daddy is always going on about how evil the Daily Mail is anyway, so I figure I did a public service and saved Toni-Mummy from herself.

You shoulda seen it though, I totally destroyed it I did. And I so got my own way, because she decided it was ruined so I might as well have it all.

Any rumours about me accidentally eating some of the bits I tore off are untrue and hurtful.

Also today: I chased Darcy around the flat. For an hour. M&D weren’t overly delighted, but I enjoyed myself.

Oh, and we have a new blog. This one is much easier to update.

Must dash, sister to chase. (I AM STILL NOT FAT).

Toni writes: He done gone ate my newspaper.

Donncha has a thing about newspapers. We’re used to this, even if we wish he wouldn’t tear them up before we’ve even had chance to read them. But what he did to my copy of the Daily Mail today (I know, probably my punishment for reading it in the first place) went beyond “oh cute” and into “omigod you little bollocks” land.

It has several gashes in it, some six inches long. And I had to stop the stupid thing from choking on several ripped up pieces he was trying to digest.

Darcy and Austin are really quite sensible, but Donncha? He’s got issues.