Austin writes: Lifestyles of the cute and the furry.

So, thought you might like to see all the stuff we own in this here flat. We get a fairly good go of it really, and this is my overview of what these “three cats” do in the “flat”.

This is our “area”. That’s right, we’ve got a whole area, we are that spoilt. It’s got our beds, the snug and the cat gym and is conveniently located next to a radiator. Also, that big black thing in the brown bed? Me.

This is the Ba-Da beam laser toy, the twins love it. I like it too, but I can never get near it because of those two idiots. The green thing shines out a laser that spins and twirls and you chase it. One of my favourites, probably because it’s one of the most expensive, and I have expensive tastes.

Yep, here at Three Cats Towers, we don’t have normal balls to play with. What do you think we are? Plebs? No, we have super engineered balls that do special things. The multicoloured thing is called a “Nobbly Bobbly” and has a bell inside and goes in all different directions. The pink this is a double ball, meaning it has a life of it’s own. Not things I play with much, but Darcy loves ‘em.

Thought y’all might like to see that DVD I won. I let the humans watch it sometimes.

My favourite toy is here; the heart. It’s furry and does my head in, so I regularly kill it. Also pictured is one of the many mice toys we have, a particular favourite of Darcy. Oh, and a standard red ball. Don’t know why that’s there.

This is the Idiot Boy modelling the Cat Nip mat. Underneath the arch is a raised play surface and some mirrors, and the entire thing is packed with The Nip. We all go mad on it sometimes, it’s very battered.

Some of the dangly toys we have, just various versions of “a stick with feathers on it”. I, of course, am a nice, mature Moody-Murphy and I don’t play with childish toys such as these. No, these are just for the retard twins who have no class.

Hey! How’d that get in here?! I can explain… I’m not playing with a dangle toy… I’m… er… watching the twins do it. See the twins in the picture? Yeah, I’m watching them play. And I’ve got my paw raised because… I was applauding them. Yeah.

We do have a load of other stuff, but enough for one day. I’ve been awake for two whole hours, you know, so I’m well overdue for a nap.

Donncha writes: I totally love my new stuff! TOTALLY!

First up dudes is for me to say how totally HAPPY I am about my new toy, a Tail Tickler. I just thought I’d post up this photo so you can see how much I love it. That’s me, KILLING it. See how it’s crying out for help? It is one dead Tail Tickler. Donncha vs. Crocodile and I totally won.

Also, ALSO, our goodies arrived! A full week after they were ordered! But, I forgive ‘em, because we finally got that new bed that Toni has been talking about for the last six years. NEW BED!  And you know what? It totally rocks. It’s got really high side so you fell all safe and snug AND (and this is so the best thing ever!) it has a little pouch and inside that pouch is a thing you can MICROWAVE so the bed is all warm! How amazing is that? Pretty amazing, believe you me, especially when you consider it’s STILL winter. I love our my new bed, it rocks.

I was in it for ages, then I went to get a drink and Darcy done gone stole it off me, the cheeky little minxette sister! So later, when she was in the big orange bed and I was feeling a bit naughty (and okay, a bit high on cat nip) I launched myself at her and totally nearly pulled her head off! She was asleep so she didn’t even see me coming! SO FUNNY.

Actually, M&D didn’t seem to think it was that funny. They totally took Darcy’s side. Now I expect this from Paul, as for some reason he’s utterly gone on Darcy, but Toni is supposed to be totally gone on me but she was still doing the old “DON-A-CHA!” which, you know, is getting kinda old. Before I knew it, Paul had grabbed me and I was in the bathroom on a “time out”.

So I cried for Toni. Naturally. I know she can’t stand to hear my crying, so I gave it a good old yowl at maximum volume. And even though I HEARD her say, “I really don’t like hearing him cry!”, she did NOTHING about it. I was in there for about 12 hours. When I was finally released, I went over to her and snuggled against her and was extra affectionate so she felt really guilty, and SO SHE SHOULD. What is happening to the world if you can’t attack your own sister once in a while? She is my sister; that is what she is for.

I mean, I don’t even really “attack”. It’s always playful between us three. But Darcy made such a big deal of it and I ended up getting punished. And you know what? It’s just made me more likely to do it again to teach her a lesson and teach M&D that you can’t be imprisoning a Demon like me.

Still, I’ve still got all my new stuff, and my brief period of incarceration has taught me a valuable lesson: not to attack Darcy while she is in bed. While the humans can see. Easy.

Product Review: Interpet Kat Tickler

Product: Interpet Kat Tickler
From: Pet Supermarket
Price: £1.99 (discounted)

This is basically just a bunch of feathers and coloured plastic on a springy stick, but Good Lord has it gone down well. Donncha is absolutely entranced by it and has worn Paul out playing with it, chasing it around and trying to “kill” it. Even when a human isn’t dangling it, Donncha is still interested in it, playing and chasing it. He loves it.

The stick is more springy than you’d normally expect which makes things more interesting and varied for the cat. The feathers are well stuck on and have survived multiple maulings from Donncha, which is really saying something. Darcy has showed interest in it as well, and for £1.99, I couldn’t be happier. Five out of five.

We did try to capture Donncha playing with it, and we have got the below video. Unfortunately it’s very dark, though you can just about make out him throwing himself around after it. We’re delighted with the product and so is our Demon.

Donncha writes: Product review and Darcy’s weirdness.

We DID GET SOMETHING IN THE POST TODAY! But it was not that new bed that Toni has been going on about for the last YEAR. No, that has been “delayed” according to the email Toni read to me earlier, which is so not on, but anyway. What did arrive was these:

Yes! Tail teasers from Pet Planet (£1.99)! You put a bag of cat nip (cat nip! cat nip!) in their mouths and then… you unleash the Donncha Demon! We got two crocodiles, which was apparently a mistake as we’d only ordered one (note from Toni: I have checked and we also only paid for one, so happy times). And I? I totally killed them. I chased them around for hours and now they’re all weak and dead.

I was also high on this cat nip that was also bought, so I was having mega, MEGA fun. But seriously, those toys totally rule. And £1.99? Why, we could have one for every day of the week… (HINT, Toni, HINT).

Also, I think my sister has lost it a bit. She wrote about these toys earlier but she called them MICE. What the hell? They are very clearly crocodiles. It must be the nip, which it has to be said, seems to affect her twice as much as it does me and Austin. And it makes her VIOLENT. She attacks you for like, no reason, or smacks you for chasing her tail or something. Iss-ues.

And (why, this is a long post) Toni got some runes the other day and has been doing loads of “readings” with them. I listened in on one, where she asked these runes (which it must be said, aren’t very impressive. Lumps of rock, really) “will Paul and I have children?” and she pulled out the rune for Fertility – out of all the runes, she got that one! I don’t want any human children around here, thank you very much! I am Toni’s baby and that is how it will stay, mmk?

Also, she’s a wee bit pissed off with me because the feather quill she bought for doing her witch-stuff (so glad it isn’t the 1600s, cos Toni would be D-E-A-D)… well, that quill is kind of bent and ruffled at the end. And I do not know how that happened. Shocking, really.

Still, maybe the bed will arrive tomorrow? And if it doesn’t, Toni’s still got money left over on her Pet Planet vouchers, so there’ll be new stuff soon anyway! But I really want that bed. Bah to Pet Supermarket.

Darcy writes: Better than nothing, I suppose

My idiot brother was posting yesterday about the lack of goodies, so he was really happy today when Daddy stumbled downstairs and re-appeared with a box in his hands. “Awesome, a box!” he bellowed, “That’s a toy AND a snack!” So Mummy opened the new box and produced some MICE! Now, I’ve been hoping for some of those since a local cat told me how much nummier they are than flies and spiders. So I have to say I was disappointed when it turned out they were just TOY mice.

I soon cheered up when Mummy proceeded to fill the toy mice with catnip and put them on the floor. I had an enjoyable 15 minutes playing with them and then I went to my sofa for a nap. When I woke up Mummy and Daddy were talking about how “mad” I get when I’ve had catnip. They’re so silly, talking about me being mad when there was a load of food on the floor. I think Donncha must have knocked it over, and he even managed to get some in my fur. I don’t even know how he did that. As I say, I was asleep and I had the nummiest dream where I was riding a dragon round the flat, and food kept flying all round me.

Anyway, a big furry monkey wants to use the computer now so I think I’ll go for another nap. Bye-bye!

Donncha writes: THEY have been SHOPPING!

FINALLY. M&D get off their arses and actually go shopping. When Toni got back, I was all, “got anything for me?” and throwing myself at her legs, then she said: “there’s lots of nummies for you guys!”

Which I didn’t really like, ‘cos that implies that it ain’t just stuff for me, but that I’ve gotta share it with my stupid sister and Austin. But even so, what a haul! We’ve got:

• Whiskas dry cat food, tuna flavour (good call on the flavour there)
• Whiskas WET cat food! And we never get wet cat food! I haven’t had any yet but I’ve seen it and we totally have it here to be had at some point!
• A NEW TOY! And it’s the coolest toy ever. It’s a scrunchy base (fantabulous for, erm, making scrunching noises) and then sticking out of the top is a whirly-gig type thing with three dangling toys attached. I’m actually still too full from shovelling all that Whiskas dry food into my mouth so I haven’t played with it yet, but Darcy has and I’m assured it rocks. (Note from Toni: Also, it was only £2! And it’s one of the best toys I’ve seen for ages).
• Cat Nip drops. Haven’t been allowed these yet, but when I am, I’m gonna go mad.
• Milk drops. Apparently these treats are specifically for Austin, which is So Not Fair as he also got…
• A bottle of cat milk. Now, I like cat milk, but not as much as he does, so the parents have only bought one bottle and have promised it to Austin.
• A huge blue feather boa thing that looks like it will shred up really nicely.
• Whiskas kitbit treats.

(Please notice how much Whiskas stuff we have, someone at Whiskas. Send us free stuff!)

So yeah, right now, I’m really impressed with the humans. AND, I’ve been told by a reliable source (Toni) that there’s a new BED coming in the post as well as some new toys (and also, some flea treatment, but I’m not so excited about that to be honest).

I love the humans, you know. Especially now it seems The Diet is OVER…

Donncha writes: The one where I am a complete nightmare.

Houston, we have a problem. Actually: Blogging world, we have a problem.

I have been put on a diet.

ME! I’m what, five pounds? If that? But just because my stupid sister is stupidly small, I look big in comparison. Is it my fault she forgot to grow? IS IT? CAN YOU BLAME A DONNCHA DEMON FOR THAT? HUH?

The answer, as you, reasonable person, have probably deduced, is “no”. It is not my fault. Nor is it my fault that I am mainly black but am white on my belly, thus creating an optical illusion of weight! Why don’t the humans understand this? Why am I being forced to live like this? I’m sure it’s because they keep watching that stupid Animal Channel and going “ooh, how can someone let their cat get so fat?” so now they are persecuting me because they want to feel like responsible owners.

And shutupshutupshutup about those measurements that came back a touch wide. It’s water weight. SHUT UP.

Now, I am not taking this lightly. Not one bit. Y’see, usually, I want food, I get food. THAT IS HOW IT WORKS. But no, the humans have gone messing with the system and everything, and now, I want food, and I DON’T GET NO FOOD. I get that stupid ginger thing I used to call “Daddy” going, “oh Donncha, do shut up, you can’t have food, you’re on a diet”.

Now, what is the point of that human if it is not to feed me? I get the point of the one I used to call Mummy. I am her favourite and I can get away with murder around her, but this red haired thing? I’m not even his second favourite. And we’re only a three cat household, ya know?

So when I don’t get fed, I make some noise. And I pee on the humans bed. And GOD, they don’t like that. It’s all “OH MY GOD DONNNN-AAAA-CAAAAAA” and talks about “cat training” and the endless “what are we going to do with him?” chat. It’s such rubbish. And also? So simple. If there is pee on your bed, it is because you are withholding food, okay? So, you want no pee on bed? FEED ME WHEN I WANT (and make it tuna while you’re at it).

You know, I get called stupid, but I think my humans are the stupidest there is. Now they won’t let me go on their bed without staring at me like I’m gonna do something wrong. GET THE MESSAGE? No food = pee on bed. Food = no pee on bed. Quid pro quo, Clarice? (God, I love that film. Disappointing amount of lambs in it, though).

And this is all completely pointless anyway because I AM NOT FAT.

Donncha writes: HAVOC!

I was a pain in the arse today! Go Donncha!

Mummy was doing this sellotape thing, so I sat with her on her left watching her. She was sticking that sellotape stuff to some flyers for Daddy’s French business. I was helping. By “helping” I mean, not helping, and in fact, making life a lot more difficult for my poor Ma. See, the sellotape was very chaseable, so every time she snatched off a bit, I chased it. She did the whole “DON-A-CHAAAAAAAAA” thing and tried to push me away, so I went for a walk.

AND I FOUND AN OPEN DRAWER!

Now, there is very little in this world I like more than an open drawer. So in I got, and for awhile I sat in my drawer next to Mummy, staring at her waiting for her to notice. When she eventually did (following a miaow from me) she started laughing and said “Paul, look what the idiot boy has done now”. Which isn’t very nice, you know? Then, laughing, SHE SHUT THE DRAWER WITH ME STILL IN IT!

It was quite a big drawer, so no harm, and I settled down for a sleep. Then Mummy had a conscience attack and opened the drawer, but I was quite happy in it, so I stayed. She went back to her sellotape and when she next looked back, I’d gotten myself down BEHIND the drawer! And – STUCK! I was totally stuck! Because she tried to get me out by pushing the drawer against me, but I couldn’t get out! STUCK! FUNNY!

In the end, Darcy padded over and jumped in with me. Mummy was a bit annoyed by now, but when she wasn’t looking Darce pushed the drawer a bit and I got out. I so love my sister. But really, I’d done Mummy’s head in with my drawer escapades. She says she wouldn’t mind if it wasn’t a twice daily occurence, which is such an exaggeration.

More like once a day. I like drawers, okay?

But they can’t be too pissed at me, because WE GOT SARDINES FOR DINNER!

Also, we got measured, which was not so fun. Darcy is something like 13 inches around the stomach and I… am a bit more. Austin, though, is a wopping 18 inches (he is a BIG CAT) but when they’d done measuring Mummy was all “Austin and Donncha aren’t fat but they could do with losing an inch”. To which Daddy replied “we’ll watch what they eat”. GAH! SOMEONE ADOPT ME NOW!

And to really piss me off, they actually said Darcy was underweight and are going to feed her up. Life isn’t fair, just cos me and Austin and bigger boned than that stupid little thing. Bah. I still got sardines, though I fear they may be the last I see for awhile.

Also: I AM NOT FAT.

The end.