Toni writes: A conversation with the Emergency Vet.

8am Saturday morning:

Emergency Vet: “Hello?”
Me: “Hi. I don’t know if this is a problem, but I thought I’d call just in case…”
E.V: “That’s fine, what’s the problem?”
Me: “It’s my cat, Darcy. She’s just eaten a load of tissue. Is that going to make her sick?”
E.V: “How much did she eat?”
Me: “A fair bit… I was cleaning up cheese sauce with the tissue and she just ate the bits I’d already used.”
E.V: *beginning to snigger now* “Is she showing any signs of distress?”
Me: “No, she’s fine, but I thought I’d check…”
E.V: “She’ll be fine, don’t worry. It’ll break down into mush. But if she does start being sick or having problems going to the toilet, call us back.”
Me: “Okay, thanks for your time.”
E.V: “No problem, you’ve made my morning!”

Later on that same day…

We’d had some packages delivered from Amazon and they’d come wrapped in an elastic band. Which Darcy then ate. So I called again, and to my horror, it was the same woman:

Me: “My cat has just eaten an elastic band. She swallowed it before I could stop her.”
E.V: “Is this the same cat that I was called about this morning?”
Me: *deeply ashamed* “Yes, she just grabs it and swallows it before you can get to her…”
E.V: *laughing*  “It’s fine! She sounds like a real character. And no, the elastic band won’t hurt her.”
Me: “You know, her brother regularly eats cardboard.”
E.V: *really laughing now* “Cats have much stronger digestive systems than us, they can eat stuff like that. I wouldn’t recommend it, though…”
Me: “Oh believe me, I try and stop them. Calling you twice is the most embarrassing thing to happen to me for weeks.”
E.V: “Don’t be embarrassed, you’ve given me an anecdote I can dine out on for weeks!”

What is wrong with the twins? What happened to them in the womb?

(This is all absolutely true, by the way!)

Product Review: Good Girl Catnip Drops

I picked up these Good Girl Cat Nip drops on a spur of the moment. Like all cats, Darcy, Donncha and Austin are truly cat nip crazy and Austin in particular likes to lick and eat cat nip leaves, so I thought it’d be a good idea for them to have something cat nip that’s definitely safe to eat.

Happily, my spur-of-the-moment purchase has gone down very well with the miaowers. Darcy and Donncha have spent the past hour rolling around on top of the drops themselves, then eventually eating them. Even Austin has succumbed to their charms. They’ve all thoroughly enjoyed themselves on the usual affects of cat nip, then they’ve had the additional happy of being able to eat the drops when they’re done getting high. They’ve gone down incredibly well, and for 69p, everyone’s happy!

Donncha writes: THEY have been SHOPPING!

FINALLY. M&D get off their arses and actually go shopping. When Toni got back, I was all, “got anything for me?” and throwing myself at her legs, then she said: “there’s lots of nummies for you guys!”

Which I didn’t really like, ‘cos that implies that it ain’t just stuff for me, but that I’ve gotta share it with my stupid sister and Austin. But even so, what a haul! We’ve got:

• Whiskas dry cat food, tuna flavour (good call on the flavour there)
• Whiskas WET cat food! And we never get wet cat food! I haven’t had any yet but I’ve seen it and we totally have it here to be had at some point!
• A NEW TOY! And it’s the coolest toy ever. It’s a scrunchy base (fantabulous for, erm, making scrunching noises) and then sticking out of the top is a whirly-gig type thing with three dangling toys attached. I’m actually still too full from shovelling all that Whiskas dry food into my mouth so I haven’t played with it yet, but Darcy has and I’m assured it rocks. (Note from Toni: Also, it was only £2! And it’s one of the best toys I’ve seen for ages).
• Cat Nip drops. Haven’t been allowed these yet, but when I am, I’m gonna go mad.
• Milk drops. Apparently these treats are specifically for Austin, which is So Not Fair as he also got…
• A bottle of cat milk. Now, I like cat milk, but not as much as he does, so the parents have only bought one bottle and have promised it to Austin.
• A huge blue feather boa thing that looks like it will shred up really nicely.
• Whiskas kitbit treats.

(Please notice how much Whiskas stuff we have, someone at Whiskas. Send us free stuff!)

So yeah, right now, I’m really impressed with the humans. AND, I’ve been told by a reliable source (Toni) that there’s a new BED coming in the post as well as some new toys (and also, some flea treatment, but I’m not so excited about that to be honest).

I love the humans, you know. Especially now it seems The Diet is OVER…

Donncha writes: I am still NOT FAT.

Just thought I should remind you all of that, mmmk?

This diet thing is so boring now. The One I Used To Call Daddy seems to be oblivious to my constant screams for attention and food and is only feeding me when he wants to. It’s really quite annoying.

Still, I’m due my fortnightly measurements tomorrow, so if they come back okay (which they will because I AM NOT FAT) I’ll be off this stupid diet and snarfling away merrily. Can’t come quick enough, readers, can’t come quick enough.

Also, Darcy just licked a lightbulb for the second time. And they call ME stupid.

Austin writes: Shut. Him. Up.

I hate Donncha.

I really do. That little shit is being a complete arse, just because he’s on a diet. Do not fret, I am not on a diet, beings as I am a nice trim Austin Moody-Murphy and perfection cannot be changed, but Donncha is, and he is moaning about it. All. The. Frigging. Time.

Now, I am not fat, because I eat really slowly. Like, Darcy and Donncha have finished, had a nap and are playing together by the time I’m done. I’m very precise. Each chunk must be chewed a set amount of times, and I will insert long pauses into my eating routine. It’s only polite. Only complete social idiots like that Donncha wolf down food the second it hits the plate. I, on the other hand, take my time and appreciate the various flavours. This is just further proof that I am refined and Donncha is a moron.

As he’s hungry, he won’t shut up. Always miaowing, always getting yelled at by the humans for peeing on their bed. Really, what is wrong with the boy? I myself have been here four years and have never once used anything but the litter trays as a toilet facility.

And I am appreciated. Today, the female human said: “God, I wish the twins were as sensible and normal as Austin.”

Which is quite nice, really. I may allow her to pet me later.

Donncha writes: The one where I am a complete nightmare.

Houston, we have a problem. Actually: Blogging world, we have a problem.

I have been put on a diet.

ME! I’m what, five pounds? If that? But just because my stupid sister is stupidly small, I look big in comparison. Is it my fault she forgot to grow? IS IT? CAN YOU BLAME A DONNCHA DEMON FOR THAT? HUH?

The answer, as you, reasonable person, have probably deduced, is “no”. It is not my fault. Nor is it my fault that I am mainly black but am white on my belly, thus creating an optical illusion of weight! Why don’t the humans understand this? Why am I being forced to live like this? I’m sure it’s because they keep watching that stupid Animal Channel and going “ooh, how can someone let their cat get so fat?” so now they are persecuting me because they want to feel like responsible owners.

And shutupshutupshutup about those measurements that came back a touch wide. It’s water weight. SHUT UP.

Now, I am not taking this lightly. Not one bit. Y’see, usually, I want food, I get food. THAT IS HOW IT WORKS. But no, the humans have gone messing with the system and everything, and now, I want food, and I DON’T GET NO FOOD. I get that stupid ginger thing I used to call “Daddy” going, “oh Donncha, do shut up, you can’t have food, you’re on a diet”.

Now, what is the point of that human if it is not to feed me? I get the point of the one I used to call Mummy. I am her favourite and I can get away with murder around her, but this red haired thing? I’m not even his second favourite. And we’re only a three cat household, ya know?

So when I don’t get fed, I make some noise. And I pee on the humans bed. And GOD, they don’t like that. It’s all “OH MY GOD DONNNN-AAAA-CAAAAAA” and talks about “cat training” and the endless “what are we going to do with him?” chat. It’s such rubbish. And also? So simple. If there is pee on your bed, it is because you are withholding food, okay? So, you want no pee on bed? FEED ME WHEN I WANT (and make it tuna while you’re at it).

You know, I get called stupid, but I think my humans are the stupidest there is. Now they won’t let me go on their bed without staring at me like I’m gonna do something wrong. GET THE MESSAGE? No food = pee on bed. Food = no pee on bed. Quid pro quo, Clarice? (God, I love that film. Disappointing amount of lambs in it, though).

And this is all completely pointless anyway because I AM NOT FAT.